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“Pick me, choose me, love me.”
The iconic line from Shonda Rhimes’ “Grey’s Anatomy” has sparked a narrative among young women; one that is perpetuated by social interactions found within Twitter and other social media outlets. This mentality — which will be referred to as the “Pick Me” complex — often manifests itself through the regular denouncement of women’s views and preferences via tweets or Facebook posts.
This strand of internalized misogyny is most outwardly expressed through separation from the collective and the disgust against feminine things.
“I’m not like other girls” and “I don’t hang out with girls, they’re too much drama” both seem like harmless comments, but they are far from useless. Both comments suggest something that is a stereotype of an entire gender, and also further the stigmatization that women have trouble controlling their feelings toward one another, thus creating the false belief that women are inferior to men.
Not only is this rationale problematic, but it contributes heavily to an established patriarchal society that allows men to control the status quo. Internalized misogyny provides an opportunity for men to continue being sexist, only now masked as acceptance: enter the “Pick Me” complex. What typically transpires on Twitter is that insecurity appeals heavily to men, and many women have taken notice and followed this standard to be deemed attractive to misogynists.
The practice of criticizing girls and women for not abiding by modest values and traditional gender roles 一 also known as slut shaming 一 plays a huge role in this. The conventionally accepted definition of a “real woman” is associated with modesty, prudence and submission. Women who define themselves by these qualities publicly believe it to improve their chances at finding a rich, suitable man to curry favour to. However, more often than not, women end up shaming and isolating other women in this process.
Though married, Ayesha Curry made the most headlines regarding this topic when she discussed her opinions in 2015 on the matter.
“Everyone’s into barely wearing clothes these days huh? Not my style,” Curry said. “I like to keep the good stuff covered up for the one who matters.”
Curry then tweeted, “Just looking at the latest fashion trends. I’ll take classy over trendy any day of the week. #saturdaynightinsight.”
There is a difference between expressing your preferences and doing so while shaming women in the process. Terms like “classy” and “ladylike” were termed to divide and oppress young girls who refused to abide by the patriarchal system. Neither one of those terms have concrete definitions; they’re subjective, almost as if the definition of a “real woman” is a figment of our imagination.
The sentiment above seemed to be framed in an unflattering light and from a place of maliciousness. However, those who fall victim to internalized misogyny are simply products of the oppressive world in which women reside.
The “internalized” half of the problem refers to the narrative that society has been telling women. Young girls have always been given the message that they are inferior, so they started to believe it. The root of the problem lies within the decades of systematic sexism and constantly being crippled by gender inequality. The urge to appease men has been ingrained into girls and women from the very beginning due to cultural and religious indoctrination. Though we’ve taken colossal steps to progress and moved away from this problematic rationale, it begins with reflecting on ourselves before anyone else.
There is no benefit to women putting other women down on behalf of the desires, attitudes and standards set by men.